Tonight I went to dinner with my ex.
Just the two of us, having a meal. It wasn’t the original plan, we were joining a mutual friend but he backed out, had a work thing, so, it was just the two of us. The two of us alone together, something we haven’t done in ages. Even before it was over.
It was easy, and familiar, and a little awkward and then it wasn’t. After we ate, we didn’t rush out, instead we lingered and chatted for awhile. We still know all the characters in each others’ lives, so we know what their actions mean, what’s funny, what’s not and why. There’s still a shorthand between us.
Touching a bruise, bringing the pain to the surface. A reminder.
Before dinner we raced to Wal-Mart for dog insulin like we always used to, showing up at the pharmacy just before they closed for the night. He dropping me off at the door to run in while he parks the car. His racing in as they are ringing up the purchase.
Running your tongue over the space where a tooth used to be.
After dinner we stopped to buy dog food supplies, again something that is SO familiar. We used to do this every Sunday night. Then we’d come home together, or later when his job moved south, towards the end, he’d continue down to the boat. It always killed me. It made sense, he’d have a two-hour commute if he stayed, but I hated when he’d go. I always hated it but I never said it.
Tonight was the first time there was a before and after we broke up question included in the conversation.
He was never mine, even when he was mine.
He left the dog, he’s going East, on a trip we used to take together. I’ll have the dog instead, Memorial Day, then again on my Birthday, and again on Labor Day. The ties the bind
All the feelings, all the coulda, woulda, shoulda, couldn’t wouldn’t didn’t.
I don’t want him back. I mourn what we took for granted at the beginning, what we thought would always be there and be easy. We didn’t realize how fragile. We neglected to protect…and that brought us to where we finally gave up on one another.
It’s long gone and we both know it.
But I still hate the sound of his car pulling away from the curb in front of my house.